judiism

remember when i said i didn’t feel much of a connection to this baby?

well zippity-do-da for ultrasounds then, i guess, because what a difference a day week makes!

i’m happiest to report that everything looked perfect and healthy and in the right places. we saw ten fingers and ten toes and two eyes and a vigorously pumping heart….

and just for good measure we also some very clear and obvious girl parts.

and so here i am, not even a week out from spilling my deep dark secrets about feeling like we hadn’t bonded, and i think we might even have her name picked out.

WHOA! (who are we?!)

this weekend the bonding continues, by way of a nesting project that i’ve been dying to get into, but i figured it made sense to wait - until we knew if i’d be spending time separating what few neutrals we did have from all the pink, or just organizing and making sense of the chaos of outgrown clothing thrown haphazardly into the closet.

(for the record i was really on top of that stuff at the beginning, but at some point all hell broke loose and while the first box is full of neatly folded onesies and receiving blankets, all the others are a TOTAL FREAKING DISASTER.  in other words, i’m going to have so much fun!!!!  yay baby clothes!)

i get why some people choose not to find out, but yesterday was still a huge surprise, even if it came a few months ‘early’ … i feel such relief to have seen her little healthy body and know everything is moving along just fine right now. and since i probably won’t see her again until january 15th, that will have to do… but now that doesn’t stress me out, i can just be excited.

umcanyounot:

dinner tonight: grilled chicken souvlaki.

yep.

thanks to this awesome chick and my monkey-see-monkey-do tendencies, this was our dinner last night, too:

it was freakin’ fantastic.  kicking myself i didn’t bring the leftovers for lunch today.

in a lot of ways, i’m way more excited for the newborn days with baby #2 than i was for harley.  because now it’s not this nebulous, “ooh i can’t wait to meet her,” but i actually know (generally speaking, of course - i’ve heard the spiel a thousand times about how all babies are different, yada yada) what i’m sort of ‘in for.’  and nevermind nebulous, actually… for me it may have even been something i said because i thought i was supposed to.  when the moment came that they placed her in my arms, i was frozen.  i didn’t know what on earth i was supposed to be feeling and while i think i kicked into action and did a good job doing what was necessary… i don’t think i ever felt the way i was supposed to feel.

this time is going to be different.

i let so many people hold harley in her early days.  it didn’t feel strange or wrong at the time… they were parents, too, or just people who loved her from the moment they found out she existed.  but looking back i think i missed out on some essential early bonding - maybe even more for me, than for her.

this next kid is mine, mine, mine all mine. (fair warning every one.)

despite the fact that i’ve put a lot of thought into how i want things to be different after this baby is born, i have put less thought into this baby right now.  part of that i think is natural - it’s not all!brand!new! this time around - and part of it is totally conscious.  having children close together means i still remember most of the joys and mysteries and newness of my first pregnancy; i don’t have to really revel in it as much this time around.  and since harley is still so young and changing so much every day, i think i’ve made a choice not to focus too much on ‘being pregnant,’ so i don’t miss out on very special moments with her.

but it feels like i haven’t really bonded with this new baby at all yet.

i pull up our list of names that’s been around, uh, a long while if i’m being honest (way before harley)… and even though it’s evolved quite a lot, somehow none of these feel like this baby’s name… at least not yet?  i know that maybe i’ll feel differently as soon as monday (anatomy scan! sex reveal (hopefully)!) … but maybe i won’t.  maybe i’ll have to wait to connect with this baby a while longer… until they place him or her in my arms on january 15th …and i don’t let go.

i guess all babies really are different, after all…

pleaseexcusethemess:

this post wins the day. carolyn gives good advice.

did i just live through an earthquake?!

traffic jam in the tunnel. harley’s looking for an alternate route (pink shirt, standing up).

i think the universe is trying to tell me i really do need to just take it easy this weekend…

turns out that the aesthetician up and had her baby yesterday, so - yep, i had gone and marred my weekend-of-no-plans, but come on a facial is totally relaxing, so it barely counts as plans - now no facial for me.

but my mother-in-law just emailed me asking if i want to go shopping or get lunch instead and honestly…?  i’m kinda thinking i should just take the hint and pass.

yesterday morning i tried squeezing h’s little foot in one of my very favorite pairs of her shoes… a lavender patent leather loafer… it was NOT happening.

i actually thought she’d go up a size a lot earlier this summer, so i had bought her a pair of gold boat shoes (!!) in the next size up - the only pair of shoes she has in a size 5.

so it’s time to re-stock imelda’s shoe closet.  help me decide?  or just say buy them all and … um, i’m not gonna lie, i might actually do that.

what?? they’re all totally different.

details, details…

1. puma arayla shimmer kids
2. me too kids lil utah ballet flat (black)
3. gap bow ballet flats (brown)
4. me too kids lil cherry faux shearling boot
5. kenneth cole reaction toddler/little kid book out 2 boot
6. nike kids glide 2
7. converse kids chuck taylor all star stretch lace ox

edit: decided to skip the brown flats and the gray boots… i’ll see how she even does w/ tall boots, in case they bother her or something before i try 2 different pairs. and - great news! those brown boots were the most expensive pair and came down in price the other day! not bad at all.

(this one’s a doozy)

the year of age 26 to 27 was a really rocky year for me.

i don’t know *exactly* why, but this is a lot of it: the blissful first year of marriage was over (time for the nitty gritty real stuff), we were struggling to figure out our new financial picture after buying our first house (& spending too much to get settled), the move to the suburbs was a big transition… maybe there were other things, too.  but i think that was enough to leave me feeling pretty crummy.

i finally got myself to a therapist for a few months and while i didn’t actually connect very well with that particular person (and always sort of knew i was doing myself a disservice by not finding someone else), she did manage to teach me some important things about improving communication with my husband and also … forgiving myself for a lot.  i learned i was carrying a tremendous amount of entirely self-inflicted guilt about not being the perfect wife, perfect friend, perfect employee, perfect daughter… i learned i needed to assert myself if i feel strongly about something and make things happen for myself, first.

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i had just gotten through saying i was craving something like a ring-ding … but i was totally ok with satisfying myself with something we actually had in the house (and maybe something a little less naughty but probably not) … when i noticed and very innocently mentioned that we were out of milk (for harley).

not a minute later greg was offering to go out and pick up yodels and milk.

what. a. guy.

i mentioned “ice meem” when i posted that picture of her…

“meem” actually gets used an awful lot in our house, somehow.

there’s ice meem, of course.  but there’s also sun meem (sunscreen) and just plain meem, which is her diaper cream.

interpreting the little toddler language that’s all her own is so much fun for me.  being able to translate the sometimes-seemingly-impossible-to-understand toddlerspeak version of what she’s trying to say to other adults gives me a great sense of satisfaction.  but it’s even better when no translation is even needed.  i’m totally floored by how well she’s been communicating lately.

now we really, really have to work on not cursing like truck drivers around her.

for absolutely no reason other than just as a lovely gesture, my mother-in-law dropped off a gift certificate for a facial at her favorite salon/spa about … 2 weeks ago, maybe?

very sweet. i was quite touched.

she included a little note that said the aesthetician (holy cow, i spelled that right on the first try!) is going on maternity leave ‘soonish,’ so i shouldn’t wait too long to make the appointment.

today she sent me an email reminding me that the girl is having her baby in september, so i should really try and book it soon.

this coming saturday i can’t use it because we have a wedding in the afternoon.  the last few saturdays, since she gave this to me, have been booked with weddings and a family visit to CT.  for kicks, i kept scrolling backwards to see what we’ve been up to … and i’m not even lying to you, we haven’t had a free - with absolutely no plans - saturday since …

the end of april.

they haven’t all been totally non-stop jam-packed, but there’s always been *something* - and this isn’t a pity party, i’m thrilled to have friends and family around and be able to enjoy their company so often.

but i also need a break.

we have no plans next weekend.  no plans.  right now i’m imagining walking aimlessly around my house, sighing deeply and recharging for the next however many busy weekends ahead.

or i guess i could make an appointment to get a facial.

i want to do a good deed and buy my parents and in-laws the convertible car seat harley needs to be sitting in now, especially since we bought them the bases for the infant car seat, it feels like the right thing to do.

but they’re freakin expensive!!! (i knowww, price for safety - so worth it, of course)

although really, how can i complain about this, when they were all so generous with us getting ready for harley’s arrival.  it seems like least i can really do, right?

i’m going to make the purchase either way.. the question is whether or not i’ll accept if they offer to pay me back.  hmm.

uh-oh… harley must be in a messy mood today. she appears to be enjoying her snack in the nude.

in fact, now that i’m looking around - there are at least 2 other children topless in this classroom.

what is going on over there, hmmm?

it has come to my attention that suzanne collins, writer extraordinaire of the hunger games trilogy we all know and love (and just might be totally obsessed with)…

ALSO wrote a couple of episodes of clarissa explains it all!

proof (script pages!!):

we’re going up to my husband’s uncle and aunt’s house in CT for the weekend, just for a visit. (kinda funny that greg and i have been together over 7yrs and i’ve never been to this uncle’s house.) anyway, i packed mostly last night, with a quick throwing-together of the morning essentials before leaving for work today.

on my way into work i started thinking of the things i know i left out:

• my prenatal vitamins
• a sheet for the pack n play
• charger for my iPhone/iPad

i’m sure i’ll think of more throughout the day. i pretty much *suck* at packing.

i have a pretty significant october coming up.

my five year wedding anniversary!

and my thirtieth birthday!!

the one tremendous idea that would more-than-satisfy the celebrations of both of these big events?  a terrific VACATION!

and yet…

firstly, a long time ago before harley was even born, greg and i fantasized (in great detail) about a special fifth anniversary trip to italy… we imagined we’d let the future grandparents babysit their future grandchild… and we’d go off happy as clams, untethered by parental responsibility for the week.

however now she’s not a future child, and i’m not 100% sure i want to take a trip without her. (i think she’s kind of neat.) that’s not to say it’s out of the question… i’m just not sure.

secondly, and this was definitely not part of the grand vision we had, i’ll be about six-and-a-half months pregnant! do i really want to spend a week in italy (with or without a twenty-two month old), when i can’t enjoy WINE?!

now, italy is certainly not the only place on the table, nor is drinking themostimportantthingaboutavacationever … i think i’m just having a little trouble re-imagining what this trip can be.

can anybody help?!

i can’t hold it in any longer and i can’t continue ruminating on what would the most fun/silly/cute/whatever way to tell you because i’m just so excited to share…

i just bought this book for harley.

baby w #2 coming soon… january 2012.

YAYYY!